Prevaricating About the Topiary

This is old. My current blog is at http://tumblr.sudrien.net/

  1. rincewitch:

    you-have-just-experienced-things:

    There is now a fan dubbed version of Star War: The Third Gathers - Backstroke of the West.

    Obviously, the only thing to do now is watch the entire thing to see if this version is more headache-enducing than the original. :D


    Edit: I am 5 minutes in, and the voice acting is amazing. I have never heard complete gibberish spoken with so much feeling.

    Edit 1: Is this post a Backstroke of the West liveblog now? Yes, yes, I think it is! 

    Edit 2: So far, I think I enjoy the original more–the hilarity comes from hearing the dialogue and then seeing the contrast of the mistranslated subtitles. In this version, the hilarity comes from hearing what the voice actors did with the incomprehensible dialogue, which is a very different kind of enjoyment. 

    Edit 3: Hmmm, wait a sec, I think there is something weird and interesting going on in this version. Hearing the nonsense dialogue basically strips away any feeling that you are watching a real movie, and the utter stupidity of what is happening on the screen is actually complimented by the utterly baffling lines. It feels like watching some godawful Saturday morning cartoon that was badly translated from Japanese, except that the poor translation somehow makes it more fun because what is happening on the screen makes no sense to begin with.

    Edit 4: Having everyone’s voice actor sound exactly like their original character except Palpatine, who sounds like the guy from Full Life Consequences, is a stroke of genius.

    Edit 5: This movie is an amazing illustration of how a bad dub completely breaks all emotional connection with the audience. I mean, I wasn’t exactly connected to these characters to begin with, but damn. It’s like watching Flash Gordon, the 1930′s version. There’s lots of flashy effects and stuff happening on the screen, and it’s supposed to be tense, but I’m just laughing hysterically. 

    Edit 6: Now 30 minutes in. I can feel the headache starting.

    Edit 7:  

    Anakin: “You died at the time of livening the child”

    Padme: “Is that baby on the hoof?” 

    Anakin: “Do not know”

       (later)

    Anakin: “Our baby blesses god’sly”

    …still better dialogue than George Lucas wrote for the prequels.

    Edit 8: I guess it’s hard to do voice acting for Yoda, but wow, this is terrible, in a “this hurts to listen to” kind of way. The headache accelerates. 

    Edit 9: As with the original, I am going to be completely unable to speak or write properly by the time this is over. (I had to fix 2 grammar errors in the preceding sentence.) 

    Edit 10: I cannot figure out what keeps being translated into “elephant.”

    Edit 11: 

    (the first Jedi council scene ends)

    Anakin: “IS REALLY BORING”

    I am crying.

    Edit 12: Since I haven’t seen the original in a while, I actually forgot the amazing character names. Here they are in all their glory:

    • Anakin -> Allah Gold (also referred to by female pronouns)
    • Obi-Wan -> Ratio Tile
    • Chancellor Palpatine -> Speaker D (sometimes, just “the D”)
    • General Grevious -> Space General 
    • Padme -> The plum of
    • Jedi -> Hopeless situation warrior 
    • Sith Lord -> West emperor
    • Senate -> Parliament
    • Jedi Council -> Presbyterian Church
    • The Force -> the wish power

    Edit 13: I forgot how amazing the Padre/Anakin dialogue is in this. Padme says political things that are actually somewhat coherent and you can sort of understand what is happening if you squint your eyes a bit, and then Anakin just blurts out absolute gibberish. I love it.

    Edit 14: If you showed this to someone who had never seen Star Wars before, I wonder if they would even notice the quality of the special effects. Probably not, because the action is so poorly done and every set is a blue screen for some reason, so there’s really nothing to rise about the nonsense dialogue. Also, I wonder if they would be able to follow the plot.

    Edit 15: 55 minutes in, I am starting to have a hard time writing sentences.

    Edit 16: I really believe what I said in Edit 3, it feels like I’m watching something with so much cultural distance that I can’t even understand why the hell things are happening. George, why did you think it was necessary for Obi-Wan to ride a giant lizard monster and challenge Grevious to a duel in front of his 1000+ minions? Why??

    Edit 17: Obi-Wan, after doing the stupid thing I just described:

    image

    Yes. This is the quality content I have come for. 

    Edit 18: I wonder if this movie could be an absolute gold mine for Tumblr reaction memes. The facial expressions + the insane dialogue…I may be onto something here. 

    Edit 19: It is becoming very difficult to form coherent sentences. 

    Edit 20: I get that Lucas wanted to have multiple stories going on at the same time, but cutting to a different story in the middle of a duel is just…terrible. Any tension that was in that scene vanishes immediately. Who’s editing this schlock??

    Edit 21: 

    (after Anakin finally gets it through his thick head that Palpatine is a Sith)

    Anakin: “You are the governor of this city!”

    clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

    Edit 22: It is getting hard to type words.

    Edit 23: This is the perfect reaction image for something, I just don’t know what.

    image

    Edit 24: Once again, this giant lizard thing is just ridiculous.

    Edit 25: I always forget how bad the choreography is in the prequels. It literally looks like people are dancing with glowsticks. It pretty much never feels like people are trying to kill each other. C.f. The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

    Edit 26: They did a pretty good job with the audio on this dub. The sound effects are all the original audio (as far as I can tell) and the voices are just replaced reasonably well. It’s not seamless by any means, but A+ for a fan edit.

    Edit 27: This probably isn’t funny unless you’ve been watching this for an hour, but I have been watching it for an hour, so I’m crying with laughter. 

    image

    Edit 28: I am now at that magical point where every line feels hilarious. Also, how do I words. 

    Edit 29: I just noticed, all the lines I quoted so far are the ones that sort of make sense. In case it is not clear, 95% of the time people just say random nonsense in this movie. Like this!

    image

    Edit 30: In all seriousness, it is getting hard to type.

    Edit 31: I can’t even laugh at the individual stupid lines anymore, let alone figure out what they are supposed to be. I’m just laughing because I am still watching this.  

    image

    My brain is quickly becoming oatmeal. 

    image

    Edit 32: How did this movie not become a whole bunch of memes? I know that one part did, but there are so many incredible lines/moments in this thing that are worthy of being canonized. The Room is widely quoted, but all anyone seems to know from this is “DO NOT WANT.” Then again, I guess it’s much harder to quote incomprehensible nonsense. 

    Edit 33: My brain has not been this broken since I watched Tommy Wiseau’s The Neighbors. That was a dark time.

    Edit 34: I keep checking the clock, and it feels like I have been at the 90 minute mark for an hour. I somehow don’t have a headache, but I am praying to the old gods and the new for this to end. I think I can safely say that this fan dub version of Backstroke is just as worthy of Certified Bad Movie status as the original. 

    Edit 35: Whoever did the editing on this dub is a goddam hero. I’m sure editing this audio was funny for the first 20 minutes, and then became a horrific nightmare. 

    Edit 36: This should be a genre (movie subtitles run through a translator, and then voice dubs to match). I’d watch the hell out of classic movies with nonsense lines. 

    Edit 37: I just realized, there will be no voices during the hour-long ridiculous lightsaber fight scene. Thank the gods. 

    Edit 38: In this scene, Padme recoils in horror as Anakin describes the size of his…”geologic change.” 

    image

    Edit 39: I swear to god, “ELEPHANT” keeps popping up in the middle of random dialogue. 

    Edit 40: How the hell does “Let her go” get converted to “Putting her walks.”

    Edit 41: This final dialogue scene between Padme/Obi-Wan/Anakin is by far the best part of this movie. And now I can watch two guys swing glowsticks around randomly and let my brain relax. 

    Edit 42: The fight scene between Obi-Wan and Anakin genuinely feels like a fan film. It goes on for 20 minutes too long, both of them do some of the dumbest things ever recorded in a Star Wars movie, and the editing is so bad that it almost comes off as comedy. 

    Edit 43: The thing about the dialogue in this is that the cadence is really…broken. Most lines are short and choppy, but some go on forever and have lots of big words in places where they don’t really fit. I have finally figured out what this reminds me of: My Immortal. 

    Edit 44: Fighting on flying robots on top of lava is the dumbest thing ever. This is at bad-anime-level of schlock. 

    Edit 45: Look at these complex, relatable characters.

    image
    image

    Edit 46: At the two hour mark now. Sanity waning. 

    Edit 47: This move really loves the word “exasperation.” Also, somehow “on the hoof” means “healthy.”

    Edit 48: This is it…this is what we all came here for.

    image

    Edit 49: IT IS OVER. I HAVE SURVIVED. 

    oh my god this video is incredible????

    (via beesmygod)

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